When I Stopped Reacting, Things Got Worse

I stopped reacting and thought that would fix things.

It didn’t.

As I learned more about ADHD in our relationship, I’d become increasingly focused on how I responded when things got difficult.

We’d got into a pattern. Something would happen, usually a comment that felt sharp or a tone that caught me off guard, and I’d snap back.

I’d get defensive, irritated, sometimes angry.

Then we’d end up arguing about my reaction rather than whatever had started it.

I hated that. Partly because I knew I wasn’t handling things well, but also because whatever had upset me in the first place never seemed to get discussed.

I’d spend the argument defending myself, explaining why I’d reacted and trying to get us back to the original point.

We rarely got there.

So I decided I needed to stop reacting.

I’d read enough about emotional regulation to know what I was supposed to do. Notice the feeling, give myself a moment, choose how to respond.

Knowing that and actually doing it were two very different things.

I’d still feel the irritation straight away. I’d still want to say something back. And plenty of times I did.

But gradually I got better at catching myself.

Sometimes I’d manage to wait a few seconds before answering. Sometimes I’d decide there was no point responding to a particular comment at all.

It took practice, and I still get it wrong.

But I was pleased with myself. I was doing something I’d struggled with for years.

I expected our arguments to become less frequent.

What I noticed instead was that some of the same situations kept happening.

I’d hear a comment that bothered me. I’d feel myself getting irritated. Only now I wasn’t immediately snapping back.

And the tension was still there.

But that surprised me.

I’d spent so long thinking about my reactions that I hadn’t given much thought to what would happen if I changed them and everything else stayed the same.

Previously, an argument would give us something obvious to focus on. I’d raised my voice or said something I regretted. We could both see that I’d handled it badly.

Now I was sometimes managing to stay calm, but I still felt hurt or frustrated by what had happened.

I didn’t always know what to do with that.

There were times when I wanted to point out that I’d stayed calm. Almost as if I deserved some recognition for it.

My partner shouldn’t have to congratulate me for not snapping at her.

But I did want the difference to matter.

I’d worked hard to change something about myself, and I was disappointed that it hadn’t made the difference I’d hoped for.

I also had to be careful about what I did next.

I’ve got a habit of trying to explain what’s happening between us. I’ll spot something, connect it to an earlier argument and want to talk about it straight away.

I’ve done that with ADHD more times than I care to remember.

I think I’m helping. Sometimes I’m just giving my partner another explanation of her own behaviour.

And I could feel myself wanting to do it again.

I wanted to say that my reactions had been distracting us from other problems. That now I was calmer, perhaps we could finally look at those.

But I didn’t actually know if she saw things that way.

And telling her what my change in behaviour supposedly revealed about her wasn’t going to help.

So I’ve tried to resist turning it into another theory.

I can talk about what happens to me. I can explain that a comment has hurt me without snapping back or accusing her of anything.

I can also ask what was happening for her.

That’s harder than it sounds, especially when I’m already upset and convinced I know what she meant.

I still have moments when I want to defend myself. I still get irritated. And sometimes I still react badly.

But I’m better than I was.

What I’m less sure about is what I expected that improvement to achieve.

I think part of me believed that if I became calm enough, patient enough and understanding enough, our relationship would stop having these problems.

That was asking rather a lot of one change in my behaviour.

I’m glad I’ve learned to control my reactions better. I don’t want to go back to the way I was.

But I still need to be able to say when something hurts me.

And I need to do that without turning it into an argument about who’s responsible for the tension between us.

I’m finding that part much harder than staying quiet.

I've put together The ADHD Relationship Toolkit, a practical guide to communication, connection and boundaries, based on my experience. It includes conversation scripts and a fillable weekly check-in sheet.