I Understood ADHD Before I Understood My Relationship

I asked my partner for an update about her health.

The conversation became about the way I asked questions.

She told me my questions could feel judgemental.

I don’t remember exactly how I’d asked.

I remember being troubled that asking about her health had taken us into another difficult conversation.

I was concerned about her.

To me, it was an ordinary question.

But she was telling me something about how it felt to be asked.

I wanted to understand that.

I also wanted her to know I cared.

And I was so busy explaining why I’d asked that I wasn’t really listening to why it had upset her.

I’d spent years reading about ADHD.

Books. Articles. Podcasts.

I thought if I understood enough, I’d finally understand why we kept having the same arguments.

I’d spot a pattern, remember something that had happened months earlier and want to tell her what I’d discovered.

I thought I was helping.

Most of the time I was explaining her behaviour to her.

I did that a lot.

Something would happen and I’d immediately start looking for a reason.

I thought if I could name it, I could fix it.

She’d told me my questions sometimes felt judgemental.

I wanted to explain why I’d asked.

I wanted her to know that I was worried about her health.

And I could have spent the rest of the conversation doing exactly that.

Explaining myself.

Defending my intentions.

Reminding her how much effort I’d put into understanding ADHD.

None of it would help me understand what I’d said that upset her.

I’d have to ask.

And listen, even if I didn’t like the answer.

I still think asking someone about their health because you’re concerned is a reasonable thing to do.

I don’t need to apologise for caring.

But I do need to understand why my questions sometimes feel different to her.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to explain what happens between us.

I’ve been good at finding reasons.

Less good at asking whether those reasons are right.

I’d often decided what was happening before she’d finished telling me.

Then I’d listen for the things that supported what I’d already decided.

I don’t want to stop learning about ADHD.

It’s helped me understand things I couldn’t make sense of before.

But knowing more about ADHD hasn’t always meant understanding my partner better.

She’d told me my questions sometimes felt judgemental.

I wanted her to understand that I was only concerned about her.

I still do.

But I haven’t actually asked her what it is about my questions that makes her feel that way.

I've put together The ADHD Relationship Toolkit, a practical guide to communication, connection and boundaries, based on my experience. It includes conversation scripts and a fillable weekly check-in sheet.